# Cooking Laments (humor thread)



## Colbyt

Could someone please explain to me why when I am making scrambled eggs the shells break cleanly and I have intact eggs.


Yet when I want to do eggs over the shells almost never crack cleanly and I wind up with at least broken yolk?


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## SeniorSitizen

Colbyt said:


> Could someone please explain to me why when I am making scrambled eggs the shells break cleanly and I have intact eggs.
> 
> 
> Yet when I want to do eggs over the shells almost never crack cleanly and I wind up with at least broken yolk?


Murphy's Law


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## Nik333

Is making coffee, cooking?

I bought a new coffee maker. When half-asleep, I put the grounds in the water section. Yes, it plugged it up. I kept trying to pump water thru it.

I bought another one & the first one cleared.

I've had so many cooking mishaps, it could fill a thread.

The ones I remember the most were while cooking for a guy I was madly in love with in college. I was known for being a good cook ( for that age) but everything I tried to make for him, at my home, was bad.:surprise:
Sour curry, a tasteless Brazilian dish & on & on.


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## DoomsDave

Sometimes mishaps turn out good.

Once I made cookies with baking soda instead of the called-for baking powder. They came out a bit bitter -- but, paired with some really sweet icing they were good! (This was 45 years ago.)


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## Nik333

Colbyt- maybe it's trying too hard? You may tense up & use too much force? Can you cook the eggs according to how they break? You can still turn broken eggs although you'd have to cook it less for the yolk to taste right.

I certainly tried too hard in my cooking story, but I was only 21.


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## Nik333

DoomsDave said:


> Sometimes mishaps turn out good.
> 
> Once I made cookies with baking soda instead of the called-for baking powder. They came out a bit bitter -- but, paired with some really sweet icing they were good! (This was 45 years ago.)


My mom used to use a tsp of baking soda & a tsp of vinegar to create the leavening effect of baking powder, if we ran out. 

(For general knowledge - Leavening creates carbon dioxide to make the batter rise. Same with yeast.)


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## ktownskier

Mistaking little t for big T when adding salt. 
Having someone who shall remain nameless (my wife Suzanne) use Cayenne Pepper instead of Paprika. They were both red and right next to each other and boy howdy, that was some spicy meatza balls!!! (From an old TV add)

Converting from C to F incorrectly and either over cooking or under cooking a meat dish. Or someone switched the instant read thermometer from F to C and wondering why the temp wouldn't go any higher. (Dang Canuck visitors!!)


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## Two Knots

Once when I had company for a BBQ and I made a tray of eggplant parmigiana.
I popped it in the oven and went back outside.

After a while their little girl came out and said, “something is burning - there is 
smoke coming out of the oven.” 

I ran in to the kitchen to discover instead of bake, I hit clean.:sad:
Of course the oven door wouldn’t open. When it finally cooled down
to be able to open it..my eggplant was unrecognizable. :sad:


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## DoomsDave

Once subbed six habaneros for six jalapenos. 

ONCE.


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## Two Knots

DoomsDave said:


> Once subbed six habaneros for six jalapenos.
> 
> ONCE.


...and you lived to tell us about it!


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## Nik333

Two Knots said:


> Once when I had company for a BBQ and I made a tray of eggplant parmigiana.
> I popped it in the oven and went back outside.
> 
> After a while their little girl came out and said, “something is burning - there is
> smoke coming out of the oven.”
> 
> I ran in to the kitchen to discover instead of bake, I hit clean.:sad:
> Of course the oven door wouldn’t open. When it finally cooled down
> to be able to open it..my eggplant was unrecognizable. :sad:


Did you have a smoke detector? Just curious.


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## Two Knots

Yes, don’t know why it didn’t go off. It’s in the basement stairwell
that’s off the kitchen. 
I guess the door was closed tight, cause often if the door is just slightly
open - the alarm will go off if I’m frying a lot.


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## lenaitch

ktownskier said:


> Mistaking little t for big T when adding salt.
> Having someone who shall remain nameless (my wife Suzanne) use Cayenne Pepper instead of Paprika. They were both red and right next to each other and boy howdy, that was some spicy meatza balls!!! (From an old TV add)
> 
> Converting from C to F incorrectly and either over cooking or under cooking a meat dish. Or someone switched the instant read thermometer from F to C and wondering why the temp wouldn't go any higher. (Dang Canuck visitors!!)



An entire nation went through that in 1970 and, to some degree, still does.


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## Nik333

Two Knots said:


> Yes, don’t know why it didn’t go off. It’s in the basement stairwell
> that’s off the kitchen.
> I guess the door was closed tight, cause often if the door is just slightly
> open - the alarm will go off if I’m frying a lot.


There is so much wrong with this post!:vs_awed:
As lenaitch tells me - " you are better than that!":smile:


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## wooleybooger

DoomsDave said:


> Once subbed six habaneros for six jalapenos.
> 
> ONCE.





Two Knots said:


> ...and you lived to tell us about it!


I made harissa once from one of my cookbooks. I swear the recipe called for 20 whole habanero peppers ground. Added that to the other stuff and it sorta set there and smoldered in the bowl. Ate several pieces of chicken covered in the stuff before I gave up. Checked the book and yes that is what it said. Those yankee habaneros must not be as hot as the Texas habaneros.


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## Colbyt

Cricket was speaking of how tasty habanero peppers were way back when some fast food place was selling a burger with that sauce. I bought one and found it way too hot for my comfort.


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## wooleybooger

Colbyt said:


> Cricket was speaking of how tasty habanero peppers were way back when some fast food place was selling a burger with that sauce. I bought one and found it way too hot for my comfort.


I must have missed that. My one adventure with habaneros was enough, I haven't bought them since.


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## CaptTom

Amateurs! I blew up an oven once.

And it was one of those old, 50's ovens made out of heavy-gauge steel; built like a battleship. Blew the door clean off, and the stove elements up. The oven went from being a cube shape to a sphere on the inside.

It was Thanksgiving dinner. A while before the turkey came out, I decided I'd warm up a can of brown bread (It's a New England thing - a dark, molasses based bread in a can.) The idea was to partially open the can to vent it, then put it in the oven. By the time the turkey was ready to serve it would be warm.

Of course, I forgot to partially open the can. And I forgot to turn the oven off when I took the turkey out. AND I forgot to take out the brown bread can to serve with dinner.

It was a great dinner. We didn't even miss the brown bread. After we'd finished, and all left the kitchen and dining room, there was a HUGE explosion. The whole kitchen was filled with steam, and there were tiny droplets of gooey brown stuff stuck to the walls and ceiling. We found the oven in the condition I described above, with the door on the other side of the room.

It's a holiday ritual in my family now. Anyone who was there re-tells the story to anyone who hasn't heard it yet.


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## BigJim

wooleybooger said:


> I must have missed that. My one adventure with habaneros was enough, I haven't bought them since.


I have tried habaneros a couple of times, once in chilli and once just to see how they tasted. I didn't like the taste, and hot is not even close to how they were. The chilli was good, but man was it ever hot.

As for one of my many cooking mishaps. Years back I tried making thickening gravy. I remembered watching Mama make it but didn't pay attention how much of what to use. I got the skillet good and hot added the two cups of flour (yep 2 cups). Got the mess nice and brown and started adding the water. Dip the mix out...add more water...dip the mix out, add more water. I finally gave up and just pushed the skillet off the burner. When cleaning the skillet, I dropped the large solid mess into the garbage, looked kinda like a large ugly biscuit.


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## huesmann

My wife (while she was still living with her parents) tried to make some Ethiopian bebere powder. Apparently there was some kind of mishap while toasting the spices on the stove, and it was like the entire kitchen was mustard gassed. We still have some of the powder in a jar labeled "DANGER, do not toast!"


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## rjniles

A lot of these posts have discussed habanero peppers as being hot.

Habaneros are rated at 150,000 Scoville units (measure of hotness)

Hottest peppers are Carolina Reapers. 2,200,000 Scoville. 15 times hotter than Habaneros.


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## DoomsDave

Ah, cooking mishaps!

Oh, a nice long trip down memory lane . . . .


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## raylo32

Went to put some cayenne in spaghetti sauce... put in cinnamon instead.


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## wooleybooger

Cinnamon is good.


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## huesmann

Hey, if it's good enough for Cincy chili...


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## raylo32

Yeah, but I don't like that either. I love cinnamon... I love tomatoes... but cinnamon and tomato is not a combination I care for.



huesmann said:


> Hey, if it's good enough for Cincy chili...


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## Nik333

I agree, I don't like Cinnamon in meat based foods. Moroccan cooking uses a lot of cinnamon, but, I don't like it. Anise, either.

Now, a chocolate based mole is interesting, with chile and garlic.

It all comes down to your sense of taste. Or senses. Heavy smokers, often, like lots of spice, but, that's due to loss of taste buds. I try not to take it personally when my cooking isn't spicy enought for them. Hot spices actually appeal to your sense of Pain. Literally. I can get a ref if anyone wants.


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## wooleybooger

huesmann said:


> Hey, if it's good enough for Cincy chili...


2 or 3 sticks of cinnamon is good in a pot roast.


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## huesmann

Cinnamon sticks are also used in a lot of Indian curries.


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## wooleybooger

Yes


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## snic

On more than one occasion, I've put a pot of water on the stove to boil in order to make rice, gotten distracted with something else, and found the pot extremely empty and very hot when the burning smell finally reached wherever I was. One time, the pot had something in addition to water in it (I don't remember what - maybe rice?) and the pot was ruined. I never liked that pot anyway so no great loss.

Similarly, the day we brought our newborn daughter home from the hospital, my in-laws asked to come over and make a surprise meal for us so it would be ready when we arrived. I brought the baby and mom home to a house full of smoke, a nearly-ruined pot, and a very sheepish sister in law. I guess it's the thought that counts? SIL said, I'm not used to making rice without a rice cooker!

Before you tell me to just get a rice cooker already - most of them are too big for 2 or 3 people, and my wife hates the clutter of gizmos and gadgets. When we make rice the old fashioned way it always turns out perfectly (unless I forget about it, or we let someone else do it) so she sort of has a point that we don't need one.


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## raylo32

I agree... making rice in a regular pot is dead simple and it comes out perfect... except when I make very small one-serving batches in my tiniest pan. But even that works out OK by just adding a tbsp or 2 of water near the end if needed.

And the only time I ever left a pot on the stove was a little scary. It was an empty cast iron skillet and I had turned the burner down very low before I took out the eggs (or whatever I made for breakfast that day). I found it when I came home for lunch, almost glowing. Luckily there had been no grease or anything flammable in the pan or too close nearby. No harm, no foul!



snic said:


> On more than one occasion, I've put a pot of water on the stove to boil in order to make rice, gotten distracted with something else, and found the pot extremely empty and very hot when the burning smell finally reached wherever I was. One time, the pot had something in addition to water in it (I don't remember what - maybe rice?) and the pot was ruined. I never liked that pot anyway so no great loss.
> 
> Similarly, the day we brought our newborn daughter home from the hospital, my in-laws asked to come over and make a surprise meal for us so it would be ready when we arrived. I brought the baby and mom home to a house full of smoke, a nearly-ruined pot, and a very sheepish sister in law. I guess it's the thought that counts? SIL said, I'm not used to making rice without a rice cooker!
> 
> Before you tell me to just get a rice cooker already - most of them are too big for 2 or 3 people, and my wife hates the clutter of gizmos and gadgets. When we make rice the old fashioned way it always turns out perfectly (unless I forget about it, or we let someone else do it) so she sort of has a point that we don't need one.


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## wooleybooger

Agree with Raylo and Snic. Just use a regular pot with lid. 1 part rice to 2 parts water or less depending on how you like it and the age of the rice. I measure volume for volume not volume to FL. OZ. 1 cup rice to 2 cups (same measuring cup) work for us. We eat Basmati rice.


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## snic

We've switched almost exclusively to brown rice. It's MUCH healthier, leaves you satisfied for longer, and I find it actually tastes better. The trick is to cook it with a little bouillon or stock. The ratio is more like 2.5 cups water to 1 cup rice because it cooks longer. With white rice, I use 2:1 and cook for 20 minutes at the lowest possible flame after the rice comes to a boil. For brown rice I find I have to raise the flame just a bit to keep it boiling, and usually it's done in about 40 minutes.


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## wooleybooger

We keep brown rice on hand also but prefer white rice, farro or quinoa to brown rice.


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## BayouRunner

My first wife was not a good cook. On Thanksgiving day she preheated the oven. And when something smelled funny she realized that she had left the turkey in the oven to thaw out. Still in the plastic wrapper. It was not a good day. When the kids were young they would say dinner was ready every time the smoke detector went off.


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## Nik333

I'm still worried about snic's newborn baby!


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## ktownskier

Nik333 said:


> Is making coffee, cooking?
> 
> I bought a new coffee maker. When half-asleep, I put the grounds in the water section. Yes, it plugged it up. I kept trying to pump water thru it.
> 
> I bought another one & the first one cleared.
> 
> I've had so many cooking mishaps, it could fill a thread.
> 
> The ones I remember the most were while cooking for a guy I was madly in love with in college. I was known for being a good cook ( for that age) but everything I tried to make for him, at my home, was bad.:surprise:
> Sour curry, a tasteless Brazilian dish & on & on.


Yes, I know this is an older thread but....

This is so true of cooking for ones you love. The first time I cooked for the woman who would become my wife of 21 years, I made her a variant of Steak Diane. (Her name was (and still is) Diane of course) I wasn't eating much red meat at the time, thanks to a former girl friend who moo'd one too many times (a long story, maybe later but, it fits the category) so I decided to make it out of chicken. 

I love onions and mushrooms which were part of the recipe I had for Steak Diane. She didn't. She thought mushrooms were hunks of wood and hated the texture of onions. 

I was into cream sauces and coarse grained mustard and lots of flavorful spices. She didn't like overly spiced food

To lighten the dish up a bit, I wanted to serve it with asparagus. She loved Asparagus. 

One out of three ain't bad. 

So, I chopped the onions really fine, and sautéed them in a bit of butter and olive oil along with the mushrooms. I seasoned the boneless skinless chicken breasts with salt, pepper and some herbs and spices after cutting them into small bite size pieces which I added to the pan. 

Once they were done, I added some cream sour cream and whole grain dijon mustard (to help hold the sauce together) and let it reduce. 

I did add a bit of brandy and flamed it to add a bit of showman ship and flavor. She oooed and awwwed. And picked out the mushrooms, which I ate. 

We got married a year later, and divorced 21 years later. And still remain friendly. When I go back to MN, my current wife and I and her get together for dinner or breakfast along with my kids.


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## ktownskier

And now for my other story:

I love "Prime Rib", especially when it is closer to rare than medium rare. Or as the Texans say, just run it through the kitchen. But, I do prefer it to be warm than cold. And not overly bloody. My werewolf days are behind me. 

I was dating this one girl, she was the girl who got me my first job in IT, and we were out at dinner and I had ordered Prime Rib and asked for it Med. Rare to Rare. It came out Rare to Mooing. 

I had asked for the waitress to come back so I could send it back and my GF started to Moo. I asked her not to and she couldn't help her self and kept mooing. By the time the server came to the table, I explained that the meat was too rare and that I wanted it just taken off the ticket. I looked at my GF and told her thanks, I now can't eat red meat. 

The next time I ate any red meat was 3 years later. It was a nice juicy Porterhouse steak that my wife bought me. And yes, that GF was dumped shortly after, and I met the woman who would become my wife not too long afterwards. 

That is why I made her Chicken Diane and not Steak Diane.


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